AireDrew's Fire Emblem Fates Self-Insert
by AireDrew
Summary: SI. AU. The adventures of my self-insert. Corrin is not present in the story, my SI half replaces him. Follows the Hoshidian story arc. Rated M for excessive swearing, alcohol use, recreational drug use (I do NOT condone this), and possible small lemons later on.


Chapter 1

 **(DISCLAIMER: I own nothing of Fire Emblem Fates including people, places, and anything else; they are property of Nintendo and Intelligent Systems. This is a work of fanfiction and any similarities to people, other works of fiction, etc are unintentional and completely coincidental unless I explicitly state otherwise.)**

 **Author's Note**

 **So, my first FE fic, and it's going to be a SI crack "retelling" of Fire Emblem Fates… I hope i'm not digging my own grave here... This is not a retelling considering i'm going to deviate from the story a whole hell of a lot for comedic purposes. Corrin (or the "Avatar") will not be present at all in the story, but my SI will and won't take his place. Just… bear with me, ok?**

 **So, without further ado, enjoy this fic.**

* * *

 **Chapter 1, I hope i haven't dug my own grave with this fic...**

With a loud ring, the dismissal bell at my school rang, signalling that my six hours of mind-numbing boredom was finally over. Scratching my scraggly, very short beard I forced my very out-of-shape carcass out of my desk and managed to stand on my feet.

Today officially sucked.

I'd woken up at an ungodly hour, crammed something i think was edible into my microwave, nuked it, and proceeded on my way to school. I then proceeded to flunk my algebra quiz and try to keep up in taking notes all day, skipping the science experiment that was my school's lunch.

So, basically, the average school day.

Deciding i'd spent enough time using precious energy to stand, I exited from my current class into the hallway where i let myself get swept up in the flow down to the waiting buses. If they could be called that, that is. They were more like riveted chunks of scrap metal that broke down at least once a week. I was lucky i'd gotten one that had a semi-working AC.

Upon my arrival I boarded my bus, ignoring the nails-on-a-chalkboard that was it's engine, and waited until we set off down the cracked and crumbling roads that were native to the backstreets of Louisiana.

I wasn't a social butterfly, I mostly tried to make myself as small as possible without looking awkward with my patchy beard and too-big glasses. Being a gamer certainly helped seal my introvertedness in stone. So I kept to myself and usually spent the remainder of my day in my room.

So to make myself look less pathetic, having literally no friends to talk to, I pulled my "new" nintendo 3ds out of my old coat that i'd had for five years. The pockets were just big enough to hold it, and I opened it to the battle i'd left off on.

What better way to pass the time?

I was currently on another playthrough of Fire Emblem: Fates on the Lunatic difficulty and i'd just gotten my Takumi reclassed into "Tankumi". He was essentially the unit i'd weaken enemies with, then clean up with my team of assembled swordmasters and master ninjas with a promoted Sakura and Felicia supporting them.

I would have finished that battle with flying colors, but apparently, the universe and or fate had a better idea.

Later I would think back to this bus ride and question "What in the name of the nine circles of hell just fucking happened?"

To put it simply and without having to make you break out the Webster's dictionary you have buried in your closet from third grade, I "poofed" out of existence.

* * *

Whenever I "poofed" back into existence ten feet above the ground I bent my knees and rolled gracefully back onto my feet when I landed. That's how i'd like to put it, but in truth I landed flat on my ass like I was a sack of potatoes.

I was too stunned to notice the pain flaring up in my rear. Instead i found myself wondering why i'd just fallen out of the air and why I was in a forest.

A strangely picturesque forest, like the ones you'd see in a movie or National Geographic nature documentary..

A forest, that was filled with unfamiliar trees like cherry blossoms, and ponds filled with lotus flowers?

In Louisiana, I was used to seeing an endless forest of evergreen trees, the ground covered in pine needles and pinecones, not… this.

The jump-to-a-conclusion-immediately part of me assumed I was in Japan or China, or wherever plants like these were native to.

The logical part told me that couldn't be true, I was just riding a shitty bus in Louisiana, so it was impossible that I just traveled halfway across the world.

Impossible like poofing in and out of existence?

…

Was I really in a country halfway across the world?

More importantly, where the hell were my glasses and 3ds?

* * *

I looked around me, groping around on the ground for my glasses like Velma from Scooby-Doo.

For those of you with perfect eyesight, needing glasses sucks, you are dependant on them just to be able to read. More importantly, to be able to perceive. So everything around me was one giant blur.

I gripped something metallic and thin… my glasses.

Reclaiming them from the ground I cleaned my glasses on my shirt before putting them back on my face, my vision clearing instantly.

I patted my coat pocket for my 3ds and felt nothing, no familiar weight weighing it down.

...

"Shit" I ground out.

I looked around for the next hour and still couldn't find the damn thing, so I decided that sitting here on my ass all day looking for it wouldn't get me home, so i picked myself up and set out in a random direction, not having the slightest idea where the fuck was headed.

I could just buy a new 3ds, right?

* * *

"Shit!" I groaned… "Fuck!"

I hated nature. Apart from everything looking nice at a distance, nature was a real bitch once you got to know her. Trees slapping you around with their limbs and avoiding poison ivy every three feet and such.

I'd just tripped over a log and landed flat on my face, dislodging my glasses, again.

Mentally cursing myself for my lack of balance and grace, i crawled along the ground searching once again for my glasses.

I found them a few seconds later and set out again, quickening my pace as the sun began to set.

* * *

I was starting to regret not staying in boy scouts, it was pitch black and here I was huddled under an outcropping of rock I had found. I was tired, I was hungry, I was cold… And scared of the dark.

Before you write that fear off as childish, no i'm not scared of the monster-in-the-closet dark, I'd be happy and in my own warm, safe bed.

I'm scared of the dark that is "Things with sharper eyes than mine are out hunting and here I am blind as a fucking bat."

Or I was, until I was able to see my hand in front of my face.

…

I could see my hand.

What was lighting up the area?

It couldn't be the moon's light because it hidden behind clouds at the moment. Or at least I it was, i actually hadn't seen it once tonight. Maybe it had waxed, or was that waning?

So I don't have common knowledge of a lot of things, sue me.

Looking around carefully trying to locate the source of the light, i spotted a glowing dot in the distance. It was bobbing and moving, so I assumed it was a person carrying a lantern or something.

I contemplated following it, but then again, I was likely in a foreign country and likely to get my ass blown off if I found the wrong people.

But faced with my current options, it was either that, or remain in the darkness. Darkness that now had a pair of glowing red eyes getting closer to me with every, now frantic, beat of my heart.

…

I am not ashamed to say I ran like a girl out of some horror movie that always gets killed when she trips.

Except when I tripped I managed a half-roll and kept running towards the light while trying my best to ignore the sound of crashing and growling behind me.

Today was just getting better and better

The light had stopped moving altogether, so I assumed the person carrying it heard either me or my unknown pursuer.

I was breathing hard by now, not used to running so fast or for so long, so adrenaline is what kept me going until I burst through the trees and out into the light.

Nearly into what I think was a girl holding a giant metal club.

She was very tan and had white hair. She also had… muscles? Warpaint?

Before I could process anything else, whatever creature that was chasing me finally caught up to me.

Pain exploded in my back as I was thrown forward through the air and I was pretty sure whatever had hit me dislocated my right shoulder.

When I hit the ground, my sorry ass was unlucky enough to have my fall broken by a rock, i also landed on the shoulder that was probably dislocated.

As I passed out from pain and blunt-force trauma, the last thing I saw was the creature that had been chasing me.

It was bone-chillingly similar to a faceless.

* * *

 **Author's note**

 **I didn't want to keep the story in the real world for too long because it's surprisingly difficult to write about for a long time.**

 **But anyways, what did you guys think of chapter 1? Like it? Hate it?**

 **Be sure to leave a like a subscribe for more content!**

…

 **Sorry, wrong sellout**

 **I meant to say be sure to leave a review whether its support, criticism, flame, or whatever. Also don't forget to favorite or follow or both if you enjoyed!**

 **Or don't...**

 **I'm doing this for fun and for your amusement so don't feel obligated to do anything!**


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